I asked her if she would be willing to write out her testimony for me to share on my blog along with her photos from her shoot (see a few at the bottom). Bellow you will find her story of what God has done in her life. She is such a gift. I know God is going to continue to use her to touch lives. Please feel free to share her story with others.
Liz's Testimony:
My coming to receiving the gift of faith is something I am still surprised by........I grew up originally in Liverpool, school passed me by. Sadly a boy at primary school died basically right in front of me from a heart condition when I was around 11, while we were all playing in the yard. It was horrendous and my first experience of real loss.
Home life was hard and school even harder, I couldn't find where I fitted in, or anything I was particularly good at. I imagine it's a fairly usual situation, I don't think anyone has an "easy" time growing up.
My family went to church on Sundays. I slept through most of it, or I chewed sweets, we stopped going when I was about 13. I did pray when I was a child I stopped this as life became more and more hectic & I was trying to keep up with trends & boys. Not understanding any of it.
Then I studied GCSE drama with a friend who shared the same sense of humour and I always felt quite able to look ridiculous with her. We did a scene where we played an old couple - I played the man. I based him on my grandad. People laughed. The teacher laughed. I was good at it.
Time passed and I went from one disaster to another personally and with my education - I dropped drama as no one thought you could earn a living from it. There's years I just sleep walked through I can't actually remember much, going from one bit of trouble to another. Sitting on park benches smoking, drinking, boys, being hurt and hurting others.
Then I met someone and we dated for a while his sister was an actress, I saw that she was getting by well and I thought I would try to apply for drama schools. I got in. I left Liverpool behind and cut ties with the people I knew there, the person I had become frightened me. I wanted out, I was harsh.
At drama school I felt for the first time I had purpose, that my life had meaning. I threw my heart into it and used a lot of my past in my work - I vented my anger, tears and frustration into scenes. Opportunities for me to recall innocence, I would grab, I just wanted to be anywhere but in the real world. I liked being on stage as i knew what was coming and if your character cried then you could try and get people to cry with you. I liked the sympathy.
If I'm being totally honest it wasn't
acting at all. If the part called for "girl on the edge" I thought well
that's easy, because I am. Actually being on stage was a relief because
it's where I stopped acting, and was myself. It was depressing but
exhilarating when people would tell me I was "good". All the same I felt
short changed, praise from people fades surprisingly quickly.......I did a play in 2012 when an actress I was working with suggested to pray. We did. I remember thinking she was sweet. That it was a thoughtful thing to suggest. I was touched. I realised how much courage it took for her to suggest such a thing. But I thought she was more nuts than I had at first realised. I felt like it was more of a "be lucky" gesture. Then she started playing worship songs in the dressing room and I would bop along. She would sometimes refer to God in conversations........
We prayed. I did the show and I told a friend that i had become aware of something different. Not knowing that this odd sensation was Joy. Pure joy. It's actually really difficult to describe my relationship with Him. Like human relationships it is complex and this one far surpasses all of them.
I had become a "working actress" basically I worked ALL the time. It was good I learned so much but I didn't have a life. No time for friends or just being myself. I knew I was sweeping it all under the carpet and that I had to deal with things. The rubbish was growing. The stuff I had recycled into my work came back out at me bigger than before except more more clear - it wouldn't shift. Yes I had used my work to think about things but ultimately I was still filled with remorse about my past.
I wasn't helping the people around me either I was lashing out and miserable with my lot (I deeply regret how I treated certain people at this time). I felt short changed because this was all supposed to make me happy? Right? I mean that was the plan. The plan was a mess.
I retreated to my bed a lot of the time. Went to therapy, but I left £60 worse off and still confused. The therapist did actually point to the fact that my church going in my childhood could be the reason - that I was suffering from some form of "religious guilt". I wasn't even sure what that was at the time. Thinking about that now - I know that's not the case.
Guilt was an old friend that I had got used to. I revelled in it. Writing this is hard, to say that you were a disgrace is a tricky one.
I did a play in Bath. A Giddions Bible sat in the drawer. I got it out. I just thought i would have a look. I don't remember the verse but it was extraordinary, alive, beautiful, a dose of truth. I was thirsty and I had a drink. It quenched the thirst.
The book went back in the drawer. It was powerful.
There was probably some stuff about Jesus in it and I thought NO.WAY. I remember thinking to myself "if you start taking about Jesus you can wave goodbye to your career".
That actually began to interest me, that I had thought that- why did that name bring such a reaction to people but most of all to me? What He said rang through to the core of my heart. It made me uncomfortable. And why? All he said is beautiful and is worthy of praise. What he claimed was slightly strange he talked in parables and claimed to be God.....baptism and all that....just weird.......giving his blood...for me...
A girl who I had worked with took her life (it is suspected). And I fell apart. I remembered the last time I saw her on The Cut outside the old Vic. She seemed fine. She said she thought I had done really well, that she was trying to get seen for things and it wasn't working out.
I didn't say to her, it doesn't matter, it's not worth it, but to me then, it did. It really did.
A tugging feeling wrapped around my throat. I couldn't function. What was I doing? What was the point? Life was some kind of horrendous waiting room. Any happiness was meaningless because ultimately it led to the grave.
I was trying to have yet another relationship with yet another man who I didn't love. I didn't know him. We kicked each - other emotionally for a few months till I gave in.
I stopped fighting and that's when I scared myself. For me to give up was something that I didn't do, I had lived in a win at all costs situation for years now. Going back to being a quitter was not part of my identity.
I went to my friends funeral. At the funeral was an ex. I saw his look of desperation at the loss and felt for him. I acknowledged him. Said the Lord's Prayer. Then did a show that night. I didn't care anymore. I thought I would do the show for her. Nobody knew. Nobody cared.
Seeing my ex there put lots of things into perspective for me, seeing this usually tough guy looking drawn and grieving. A person who I had thought devoid of compassion - struggling to comprehend it. He was just a guy. He wasn't superman.
To say I struggled at this point would not be giving you a full picture of how I felt. Everything I touched was rotten. Or I made it rotten.
My mum did her best to console me but there comes a point when there's nothing more anyone can humanly do anything for you. I knew I was hopeless. I was still functioning as a person but I was a shell. We can all quite easily deceive people from the reality of our inner lives. A bit of lipstick and a new dress works wonders.
One night I had had a quite horrendous experience with a boyfriend (although to say we were ever friends would not be right) I had a particular interest in men who were quite cruel. I thought I deserved it.
I was home alone and desperate. I was having thoughts of suicide. I doubt I would have ever have done it but I really did not want to live.
Then I acknowledge the presence that had been patiently waiting. I said "okay I'm done!" I can't take it anymore. Help me. From my heart I knew I was serious. I had had enough of going my own way. Immediately I felt like I had been dragged out of the depths.
I just felt calm.
I had quite naturally prayed, It wasn't a typical "prayer" type thing, it was a direct plea. It wasn't like I got on my knees at begged for forgiveness although this is exactly what I should have done. The love that I had been shunning was not what I had expected. I think it was the first time I felt totally understood.
The next few days I read and ate and recovered. I knew I had found the peace. I didn't know where it had come from. I didn't know if I believed in God. It was a small window of hope I had been offered. If I wanted it it was there. I prayed that I would have help to want that hope. I knew what a flake I was. I trusted Him, I just didn't trust myself.
The weeks that followed I read all about the different views on how we came into existence. How it all began? I listened to Atheists I listened to Christians. I looked into the Muslim faith, Mohammed, Buddha, Judaism. I looked at creation. How things in creation work & how they work so beautifully. I was encouraged by scientists and mathematicians who have faith that it was not crazy (John Lennox is particular favourite of mine now)
I did listen to all sides, yes to Dawkins & Hitchens to name a few, I really did! I did see that their non faith was also a faith in itself. To dis - believe took faith.
I had just, I guess up until then accepted I was a mistake, and that the fact I was alive considering the odds was a miracle minus of course a designer making that miracle happen.
I wanted to decide.
Was I created? Was I a random accident? Who was God, if there was one? Was I loved by this God?
I knew intrinsically that I was.
I started listening to the still small voice.
Powerful, yet a whisper.
I knew I had turned my back on Him for most of my life. I completely ignored Him. I thought His rules boring and out dated. I also saw how much of a mess I had become. I was addicted to harmful things, that he kindly wanted to take away. We have free will which is a gift but I had abused it.
I read C.S Lewis "Mere Christianity" and "The Screw tape letters". These books were so clear and such a wake up call. Around that time I started to go to a scripture study in Covent Garden. (Cafe eterno, Tuesdays at 2.00pm, with Shoreline Calvary)
God became a human and died to save me. What? I could not comprehend it. I found it all mildly offensive. Actually, no, I found it very agitating. That again made me wonder, why I am I getting so bothered by this? My sister is quite a strong atheist and really it's thanks to her I continued to see this as a question I had to understand. Actually it was people's strong reaction to the topic made me even more curious.
We were looking at Johns Gospel in the study. As the pastor spoke I just felt convicted by the words, by what he said. I knew I had to change. More importantly I wanted to change.
It's hard to pinpoint a moment of conversion but slowly the Holy Spirit came into my life and things started getting turned upside down. There were things I knew were harmful to me that I was glad to be rid of and there were things I really needed to be convinced were no good for me.
Why can't I sleep with whoever I want to? Why can't I lie my way out of situations? Why can't I say what I like, do what I like? Who makes the rules?
And there are rules, written on our hearts. My conscience .... Where did that come from?
Hearing The Gospel for the first time, is the life changer.
That He did that for me. Died, and rose again to give me new life. Took all the guilt, shame...took it all and it was gone.
Tim Keller puts it exquisitely "Love without truth is sentimentality; it supports and affirms us but keeps us in denial about our flaws. Truth without love is harshness; it gives us information but in such a way we cannot really hear it. Gods saving love in Christ, however, is marked by such radical truthfulness about who we are and yet also radical, unconditional commitment to us".
It was too beautiful, again I couldn't comprehend it fully but a glimmer of that hope shone and I knew that, this was my real escape. Jesus Christ is The way. The truth. The life.
My life has changed and all for the better, there's not one thing from my past I want back. Yes sometimes it's hard and sometimes I get tired but I'm never broken.
"I have come that they may have life & that they may have it more abundantly" John 10.10
And I really do...........
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